I opened the door. It had been three months since I had been here. The air was so thick with dust, if I wore glasses I would just have to remove them every two seconds and wipe of the dust on them. I could smell the dust, but I could not see it. I should have covered my sofa when I left. But I was leaving my keys with her, granted she would take care of them.
She took care of most things, the floor sparkled like the teeth in a Colgate commercial, more accurately, the floor looked like a mirror. The house was spotless, I almost went blind with all that shine but I could smell dust, I couldn't see it, but I felt it thick in my nose, stupid nose! Why can't you just appreciate.
I found her things dotted around the house, girls are so typical. Her jeans mixed with mine, I felt invaded. I saw her hair band, the pink small ones at my reading lamp where I keep my paper pins, why do I have paper pins in my bedroom by the way?
The key holder to my keys had a green ball of mash. It wasn't a small doll. It was a green ball that almost turned black either out of dirt or design, either way, not a turn on.
I got it off my keys, like it was a spider on my back, if i was a girl i would have been jumping up and down screaming removing that key holder from my keys, like it was a spider. You would have done the same, that key holder knew no gender.
I wanted to throw it in the bin, though where it should be is the loo, flashed down, come to think of it it matches with the contents of a dirty loo, or was it design, either way it didn't turn me on. I wanted to throw it in the bin, but I had liked her before. I still like her, not love her though, so as bad and as disgusting as it was, sorry, the mash of green-looking-rotten ball, I couldn't find it in my stomach to throw it in the bin. I threw it under my trophy stand.
Clothes in my bag smelled fresh, what's with the nose again? Clothes I had left here didn't. It's like they rot or something? From not being worn often. Or is it that I smell nice, and when am away from them they smell like a break up?
My head phones were in my ears. They always are when I walk to the shop to buy bread. We meet there, she was being stubborn as usual. I asked her not to come, but there she was. I felt my face map anger, I gave her the keys.
"Go on go pick your things..."
I tried to walk as slow as possible, so that by the time I got there, she will have packed and left. Talk about ambition.
She was seated, comfortably like she always does. Can I blame her? She is the first girl that completely asked me to seat down watch the Telly as she cooked. I open for her doors more than gentlemen do. I remember that day like the day you first visited this blog.
She cleaned my dishes, she cooked the best food, all the time, most of the time, from liver to almost fish. And she was good, dammit, she was thoroughly good. You eat her food, you came.
"you haven't packed yet? Am busy you know that's why we weren't to meet today."
She went to the bathroom, and locked herself in it.
"dear, please stop, please get out."
I begged her, my heart went to her. I had left soaked clothes waiting for the house help to wash. And she had started to make noise with them.
She knows I will never let a girl wash clothes, never! What are washing machines for? And yet she was trying to wash. I felt my eyes burn with tears.
She really loved me, if she had gone to that extent to try to remedy everything, she really did. And what had I done to her, asked her to leave? I never gave her a relationship. That's mostly what she wanted, but we had fun, we ate, she ate me, we rode, soiled bedsheets. We talked, we laughed, she taught me how to dance, I dint learn. We had fun. Mad fun. And now I wanted her gone, out of the blue! After three months.
I have been heart broken, so many times, if a surgeon ripped me open.
"where is this guys heart?"
"daktari, doc... I think it's that shapeless thing mashed on his ribs."
Then the nurse would point it like it was that key holder.
My heart has been broken to perfect shapelessness. I didn't want her to go through the same. It was loves fault, love is an ass, it chooses. But it didn't choose both of us, while she was so wonderful and sweet and caring and so loving if I had never saw myself in the mirror, and meet her. I would draw myself as a heart, then color it red like the love heart in Cards. She was so loving to me. She is so special to me, in spite of...
When she got out, she wiped her hands, with the pink towel, she has always used when she showered at my place. But that was three months ago. But still , it was the normal thing to do, we were that close.
She sat down, and I knelt down next to her, like she did when she did to me things that made me fall on the bed, willingly. Very willingly.
She saw the key holder she had got for me, on the floor. She picked it up and put it in her hand bag, I felt guilty. But how could I explain, that it was because I liked that's why it was on the floor and not the bin? That it belonged to the sewage but i still kept it thrown on the floor. Where is that English idiot that said Silence is Golden?
I was on my knees, on her thighs, holding her around her back, not to low to touch her ass, but high enough not to give her the impression I wanted to fall on my bed, willingly. Very willingly.
I was going to open my heart, take my time to make her feel right, cause she was right. I had to make her alright, and set things right, right?
Search for words, from my heart to say to her, more than I search for words for the Posts on this Blog, they had to be sincere, not sincere like the contents of this blog MIGHT be, but sincere like she was sincerely an awesome girl, but didn't believe it.
I told her she was a piece of work. A beautiful one. She cursed that she wished I hadn't been her first, that she finally gave it up after denying the world, and it was all for nothing. I saw it in her face, she was blank, she had come into terms accepting that that will always be, her story, people come and take and leave. She had accepted that, how could I live with myself? Had I caused her that much harm.
I felt something like a tear, roll down my face, but I couldn't tell for sure, cause I had the task to make things right.
I told her, that I was in fact glad she had lost it to me, cause I really cared for her. I helped her get her grades up, not that mine are that good. I was there when she fought with those at home, she was there when I got that dreaded phone call that scared me for life. She taught me what it felt like to have a girl, the whole works, in my life. Makes sure I eat... Realizes that when she leaves it is me that will do the dishes. If I had someone to do them everyday, then that is different. She cared, when she saw dirty dishes, she saw me having to clean after the mess. She sympathized with me, the fact that I live alone, she told me so. She still doesn't understand am a quite complicated guy, loving solitude. That I love papers so much, I talk to them, people think mad people talk to themselves, but when you talk to yourself with a pen, you are an artist, isn't that glorified madness?
She didn't realize I loved solitude, I loved papers so much I ate them in high school, until they told me they were bad for sperm. Papers, I love you, but...
Am glad you lost it to me, their is no one who cared for her more than I do. Heck, my pals kept telling me I had no obligation to protect her, take care of her, but what can I say, she was such a girl, she cooked.The man in me had to come out, when a woman is, a man becomes. You should have seen how I defended her in private conversations. If someone attacked us both with a gun, I would go before her, to take the bullet in case their is need, or be a man and snatch the gun from the attacker, wait... She feed me, as I watched Telly... I would be a bear take the gun, coil it and hand it back to the attacker.
Then go be her teddybear in bed. She left the bed made for me when she left, I don't give a rats ass about making my bed, but dammit!
She is probably more ambitious than I am, she promised me a walk-in wardrobe. She knows I have two wardrobes. My mother sent me one in a G4S lorry, for ten hours on the road. She knows what I like, and creates space for it.
She promised me a walk-in wardrobe, when she makes Boss, CEO or turns into a Director. I asked her if we could share her driver. You know lawyers, good life. But CEOs better life. She laughed.
She will make it one day, she works her ass off nowadays. And has such direction. She knows what she wants, and is not afraid to go for it. She went for me, in spite of me.
Her face was warmer now, calmer, I slipped back between her thighs, still on my knees.
She leaned forward and mashed her boobs on my face. She was convinced, she had believed, like you have that I really cared for her.
But mostly we all have felt how different and awesome she is. I saw a blacker spot on her dress, a drop of wetness.
As I stood up, I felt my face, I had to feel it to be sure. I was sure now, I had dropped a tear on her dress.
