You can and I can tell you why,
I cannot settle for half work,
You can and I know why,
I am always a cycle away,
To my death,
That is what the internet tells me,
So today I will run as fast,
To everything that will let me survive,
Cause I know a time will come,
When I will be helpless,
Purposeless,
I feel it sometimes though,
I feel it most times,
The moments when I lock myself up,
In my room,
Unable to pick the phone,
Cause when I pick it,
Question is always,
Why do you feel so low,
Are you from sleeping,
My moments of depression,
But that I can handle,
For right now,
I feel more energy than weakness,
But I know a time will come,
When I will be weak,
If the cycle is true,
It will come,
Like it came when I was young,
Purposeless and suicidal,
They say that even this writing is a disease,
The creativity and the ideas I have,
The wit,
It will go,
For a while,
She called me today over lunch,
Her voice sounded different,
I even had to inquire if it was really her,
Her voice sounded decisive,
And I could almost feel a tear in it,
I think she is of a made-up mind,
Even after 'my dying blog',
She is leaving now for sure,
Mostly cause I asked her to be,
Permanent on the decisions she makes,
If she want me out of her life,
Let her go and not come back,
I do not want that turmoil,
Where she serves as the stimuli,
To question my existence?
The moments where my floor becomes messier,
I empty my bin less frequently,
I start loving very sad rock songs,
And I try to force them on the girls I meet,
Who do not respond to them,
I don't want to start missing classes,
Like I did when I was other schools,
Of getting depressed then later,
I find that it was all for nothing,
Cause she comes back eventually,
After I start to want live without her,
I feel a tear forming right now,
I feel my eyes getting warm,
Like clouds do when it's about to rain,
But the rain is always as cold,
As a broken heart,
And when it rains you want to go home,
I write really badly sometimes,
Sometimes I can't get myself out of my bed,
I feel so purposeless worthless and useless,
But these are things I have to hide,
Cause I have to uphold my name,
I can't let her stay and go when she wants,
Though I have let her stay and go a long time,
I just can't,
The internet always tells me I have bipolar,
Episodes of manic and depression,
That my creativity and wit are a disease,
That when I have my heart broken,
It feels cut deeper than the average hurt,
That when I want someone,
And I fall in love,
It is sweeter,
I love the sweeter parts,
I cant even begin to describe how much I enjoy,
To cum,
The escapades,
The inappropriateness,
Even bad sex to me is beautiful,
It makes makes my thoughts run wild,
My ideas feel smarter,
And my idea memo fills faster,
Though sometimes I feel sluggish and witless,
That the purposelessness and the sucidalness I felt younger,
Was actually something not everyone went through,
That those years of depression are a cycle,
That I experience manic right now,
A period of creativity and light,
Ideas and love for books,
Love for life love and everything beautiful,
That I can feel the taste of coffee so intensely,
My eyes close,
I feel very successful right now,
My brain is on optimum,
But they say it is a cycle,
That depression shall come,
Then manic shall follow,
So that is why I keep my journal,
And write on it everyday,
Even though you think it is girlish,
Cause I fear that the way I felt when I was younger,
Will come back,
In the same cycle it did,
And my grades will be horrible,
I will question my existence,
My mind will be thoughtless and idea-less,
I will be purposeless,
So I got to remember to write,
So that when that time comes I will find myself,
In the words write,
I must be a good photographer,
So domt question the photos I take,
I am trying to seize moments,
Cause if the yeterdays I had,
Will come full blown like they did then,
I need them more than I need air,
More than I need love,
I need to remember that,
A time shall come,
When I shall be as bright as,
My ending primary school,
And not as depressed,
As my beginning high school,
I know she has been there for me,
But I have to put myself first,
Cause I know how it feels,
When the intensity of hype stops,
And the intensity of depression comes,
Full blown and my concentration is lost,
And it doesn't come back like it comes often,
Like it comes now,
I need someone who will be there,
To the end,
When I can't focus like I can now,
Cause right now I feel so focused and purposed,
I feel so invincible and optimistic,
Unless at times like this when I look myself,
In my room unable to go out,
I remember when I was high,
On things I shouldn't have been on,
And I questioned everything,
The worst moments of my life,
Depression and paranoia set in,
I will never be that high again,
I remember when I get wasted,
Substances don't mix with me,
My friends do know better,
I have to have to be philanthropic now,
I have to be religious now,
I have to pray the hardest,
I will start to question all this,
When I am depressed,
Feel as purposeless as psalms,
Like I was,
