"oh my, oh my, oh my..."
No. That isn't what I want her to say. That is how I want her face to look like. Oh my, oh my, oh my, should be written all over her face. I want to see that sparkle, nothing beats a girls sparkle. It's the essence of every man, to make a girl's face read oh my, oh my, oh my.
I want her to almost choke at how big it is. I want her to feel it's presence looking at how manly it is. No, am not talking about sausages, or loli's, or wiwis. Or chuchus. Hehe. Am talking about my house. My new apartment. I want her face to read, oh my, oh my, oh my. Not to say it, cause with words one can lie, but hips and smiles don't smile. I want her to almost choma at how to be it is, freeze at the door. I want her to feel how manly it is, and I dint mean the smell of dirty socks and cum. I mean, the ultimate bachelors den, that should represent what I am all about. An expression of myself.
Dudes and damsels, I know what you were thinking at the beginning of this post. Not everything is about sex. No? Okay. Sex sells. Guess what it does, Kenyan porn, Kenya porn, nude girls, Bobby stop. That's a very cheap way of marketing your blog. You think just cause you mention Kenyan porn, Kenya hot nude girls Nairobi sex you will get your blog picked up by Google? Bobby, that's cheap. Bobby stop. Ladies and gentlemen sex bloody sells. But I find it in bad taste to... Do you see the search box down there. Yes, on this blog. Every word you type there shows up on my statistics (the part where you need a password to see) and oh I find horrible things there, Kenyan babes, hot girl, nude... Bobby, now that's too much, you don't want me to say, sex, nude, big, ass Nairobi? Okay I will not say sex Kenya, big boobs Nairobi. Opss. But so you know those words are decent, compared to what i get when i input a password. I thought I was a pervert until this blog. Stop searching for porn in my blog, hakuna, go to google.
Ladies and gentlemen, enough marketing. Bobby that was really cheap, I can't believe you sacum to peer pressure. From who? Other bloggers. Which others? Ops. I promise you am going to be serious about getting back to topic. Actually I promise to make a fresh start and talk about my new apartment and the essence of what it will become. Will start afresh lile you always swear to start going to start jogging a fresh on new years eve. In my case i will start a fresh in the next paragraph. Okay, here we go. (breath in, breath out, next paragraph... Fresh start)
I hope I will get an oh my, oh my, oh my on her face. It has two bedrooms cause all hot girls go out with at least a friend, you know... The other must sleep somewhere if a threesome doesn't happen. And as Barney in How I Meet Your Mother said, 'a threesome is a very rare occasion.' now am taking advice from television sitcoms? Not books, comedy sitcoms. Regardless anyways, since a threesome is as rare as meeting with a hyena that doesn't laugh badly, (again as Barney put it) my new apartment has two bedroom. Cause it is reality, it's not threesome. It's down to earth. Do you really think that's the reasons I would have two bedrooms yet I live alone?
She, my apartment has one living room, a corridor leads to the sitting room, one side of the corridor has a wall and the other side of it is open like a balcony. So even when you get into my house through the front door. You are in tune with nature. Even when it rains, Mombasa is as Mombasa is, no one wears a damn sweeter. If you don't like someone, ask them to quit their job and come sell blankets and sweaters in Mombasa. As broke as a church mouse... You see what I mean, the weather is perfect, warm always, so nothing feels more exciting as opening a door into an open balcony.
My new apartment is the pent house, it has a chopper pad at the roof top. The lift opens to my sitting room. No it doesn't am not Tibunu, yes he is a lawyer like me, he made the cover of Forbes Africa for those of you who dnt read it. My new apartment is on the second floor, mostly cause the building doesn't have a lift, it's as old as a castle. And remember castles, as old as castles, they dont have lifts, they have something better. Remember the first mobile phones? As big as phone booths. See why I like old buildings, they have character, they have history, they have personality. They have space.
I don't have a chopper pad at the roof top, no I really don't. That would be just unfair. Instead it has two balconies. Did I tell you Mombasa is as Mombasa is, on one balcony I will have a hammock. Yes, like the ones you see in cartoons. (and am not taking advice from cartoon characters) Total relaxation. I intend to have one there so that when my girlfriend comes over we can spend the night there. I have one of those night stands, the long lamps shades that are as tall as you, I will put one out there with a switch that dims the bulb. And often she and I will be sleeping on the hammock. Right there I will show off to the night sky, telling it that it might be beautiful cause it has stars but the real stars are here, right in my babies eyes. And that balcony must have a house plant as big as a tree. Have you seen Trumps Beach House, it has trees in the house. I must pass by Cinemax and get myself a tree in a pot. It will definitely match with the lampshade at the balcony, and trust me, I would love to water that plant. Sometimes with piss when I don't want to get into the house to get a lick, and sometimes when I am trying to write you something but I have no inspiration, I will actually get water from the kitchen and feed the plant. Even water from the fridge so that mother nature becomes merciful and gives me inspiration. Why cold water? Fridge water? Cause Mombasa is as Mombasa is. Even my plants should enjoy cold drinking water.
So where is the water from? The kitchen. Where my fridge, microwave and all the shenanigans that live in the kitchen. The kitchen is my queens palace. She loves to cook. I walked into it the first time and my heart was pleased. It looked so lovely. Memories are going to be made right there, you read my blog right? Remember bad chicken! Baby, now you can cook bad chicken in style. Am going to call in an electrician to wire the bulb into three bulbs, then drag them a meter lower. I will pass by Nakumatt Nyali to get three lamp shades. You know the metal ones that look like a cup. Low lighting, modern. My baby must enjoy her cooking, I must call the plumber, to change the tap, I want a tap that looks like a giraffe, the type that splashes water out with a hush sound. Like a splash. The chrome metal shiny tap will definately match wth the two low lighting chrome metal lamp shades. You will let me hug you from the back every time. Trust me. Oh my, oh my, oh my.
I want curtains, long curtains, that run from the floor to the roof. No, I will do away with the curtain box. And no, you cannot share this post with the land lady, what do you expect will happen if he finds out I am re-wiring the whole electric system, lighting and taps. Even the damn curtain box am doing away with. She isn't young like a curtain box less house. She doesn't believe in having a metal rode that matches low lighting chrome lamp shades is the most elegant way to hold curtains. Her curtain box will not survive anyways, cause I plan to have the heaviest, the most darkest velvet in the color of blue of curtains. And they will match all over the house. With their pretty little ties, you know, the belts with the string-ies, fancy thing-ies that hold a curtain to the side. And yes it holds them on the side as beautifully as a girl holds her undies to the side. Open the curtain, see the world. Make love to the world.
Let's talk about making love. Let's talk about my bedroom. It will be plain, like Feigh Chui. (check up that word). Modern is advan arge. And my bed room shall look like that. I don't want too many things all over the place by the way. First, cause the house help doesn't come as often as I want to. Didn't I tell you am not working yet? Unless she takes Movie and Series as salary, I cannot flood the house with too many things. Who will clean it.
"Now that you are done washing the dishes, carpets, boxers, toilet, sofas, and cooking food. Here is How I Met Your Mother Season one!"
"Kumamako, hii ni ushoga wainagani wee? Unanipatia nini hizi? Ati How I Met Your mouther, Kajifire nazo, mi nipe pesa zangu ni ende!"
"No, it's a series, you dint have to get all abusive on me, just accept it as payment."
"Habu niangalie, Mimi. Look at me, just cause you think your Telly has a big an ass as mine you think I am a television to give me Series? Eh?"
Do you want that to happen to me? You know Waswahili women.m if she is going to clean after my shit and cook for me, she has to be paid, or else she would give me domestic violence, and am a gentleman, like all else gentlemen are reading this. If a girl slaps me, I just walk out like a pussy, cause girls are mothers, and mothers can never be slapped back. I am Bobby and sometimes am a pussy, but pussy is nice. Anyways, if she slaps me too much I will get my girlfriend to slap her on my behalf, cause gentlemen are powerful like that. But it will never get to that cause, I will not need to pay her as often, cause I will not need her as often, my bedroom shall be plain and simple, but thoroughly elegant like a Jaguar. A jaguar comes ready, who need to pimp it? My bedroom will have everything shut down in the wardrobe. The large floors will be bare except for a bedside carpet. But the bed, oh the bed will add flavour, heavy flavor like the heavy curtains. It will be the choicest of beds. Very low, box-ish. Almost touching the floor, and large. Bed side lamps are a must. Neat and plain. It must face the windows, so that the sun says good morning right in my face when I wake up. And I want the electrician to do his thing. I will not light the room, I will light the walls to the room, so that the effect is romantic, fancy lighting perfect ambiance, a collection of shadows and light. Why? Cause everyone is prettier in dim lights, sleep comes easier in dim lights, because I will watch Telly lots in the bedroom and the plasma screen looks sexier in dim lights. But there will be a mirror somewhere, not close to the glass table where the bedside lamp chills, where I place my phone as it sleeps. There will be a large mirror, on the wall close to the wardrobe at the corner of my bedroom.
It will be perfectly lite, there will be a flood of spot light at the corner, which will never overflow in the room. That is important cause I might want to dress at night, and I need light to see how good I look in the mirror. And if I look good enough I know some girl will be dancing for me looking at herself in the mirror, consider that foreplay. The mirror will tell her she is beautiful. She will be on the stage, and the stage has a spot light so large you don't see the audience, so don't be shy cause you can't see me drooling over you. I wish I could get a pole to go with that corner, but I know my folks will visit, whic they never do. I could be living in a hole for all they care. All they do is send rent and ask me to be safe. The last time I picked my pops from the airport and brought him to my house he kept saying.
"lovely, lovely, lovely..."
When he went back home he sent me something to buy an air conditioner and have the loo fixed.
This time, they will stay, my mom and pops, at least for lunch or something. That's why, no pole. No pole.
Let's talk about thing I will have to hide when my folks visit. Wine and alcohol. No, my folks are perfect christians. I have gotten away with Champagne bottles back at home, but I don't want to take the risk of rubbing off on them the wrong way. I was thinking of a wine cellar, but let's be honest. I don't have a chopper pad at the roof top. So, wine holder will do. Besides they are easy to hide when you have company. About ten is a good number, and definitely the empty bottles I will keep. As trophies to house parties.
Let's talk about house parties, lovely, lovely, lovely. Two balconies, one with bar stools. It's at night the boys are smoking Nothing at the balcony. The girls are cooking in the kitchen, and we are exchanging roles at times. Girls smoking something boys in the kitchen, pretending to cook but just to make the girls cooking laugh, cause when girls laugh the food is nice, cause when guys laugh, the food isn't as nice as a girls food. But let's face it, chics feed kids with boobs, they have to be better cooks than guys are. Regardless of stereotyping, there are exceptions. And the exception is parties aren't parties without smoking Nothing. No, no smoking nothing on my balcony, not in my new apartment, I don't want to be kicked out from there. Come smoke it in my old one, the last days I am here.
Let's talk more about food, let's talk about a well stocked fridge, am talking cheese, cottage cheese, am talking salad, in all the colors, pink and green. Let's talk about drinks, I want to have options.
"Baby, can I get you a drink?"
"What do you have?"
"Everything baby!, Everything!"
"Get me a sprite!"
"I tell you everything and you dare ask for a sprite? A damn sprite? Ask for something that will show appreciation for the effort I have put woth the coffee machine and collection of vodkas!"
"hehe, dint bite me then, give me a Dirty..."
And I will pour her that, and we will sit in the sitting room. I will sip that as we watch Telly together in the sitting room. The carpenter, the electrician, the plumber, tailor and a shoe cobbler will have to come fix my siting room. And no, am not telling you what they will do, but what I promise you is this. My new apartment will be guy and girl accommodative like mirrors in the shower and pink shower gel. Oh, and a very large shower head. Both of us getting rained on as I get head and as she comes picking up soap. Wet. Wet. Shower wet. Scream. Rain. Nice.
I can't quite remember the exactness of the measurement to my apartment, if I did I would rush to buy it new curtains, a new bed, and extra one, for the other bedroom. I am tempted to park things here. Wrap them up in boxes, but I have to wait till months end to move in to the new house. I sometimes wish I had paid rent for this month, then i would have two apartments this month! But tell me, don't you want an extremely elaborate house party? Money grows on trees, I don't have that tree in Mombasa. Regardless, tell me, don't you want an extremely elaborate house party? It is big so a million people can attend. And we want nyama choma at the balcony, we want so many drinks we have to get a champagne bucket, make that buckets to sink in the drinks that didn't fit in the fridge. What are Chrome metal buckets with vodka bottles and wine bottles, soda bottles and lemonade bottle, what are these buckets about with cardial bottles in them wothout the icecubes to chill them?So i guess what we are concluding here Sirs and Honeys is that, let's get ice cubes, not the ones I made in the fridge, the ready made ones. Remind me to pick paintings and photos from the shop as I buy sacks of ice cubes and drinks. The walls must look neat, shiny like the cover to an iPhone, with portraits as beautiful as my girlfriend.
So, until next month I sit and plan, on the new that will come in my new apartment. I am as curious as you are, you know life is a roller coaster, and they are nice and thrilling with their sudden turn of events, we scream, we laugh, we throw up, we laugh at ourselves. Bobby, are you talking about a roller coaster or life? Both but mostly my new apartment, are you curious? Picture me. No really, picture me and the excitement that cannot let my heart be still. Be still Bobby's heart. Stop moving around like a vampire.
Sirs and damsels, talking of hearts. What heart leaves without looking back? I am here, and have loved this place, but it's time for better. Don't you agree? Development, don't you agree. Wear your shorts, and polo shirts. Wear you favorite dresses, or shorts if you want. Not very tight ones, I don't like bad taste in my house. But if you wear tight ones, wear a loose top. Relaxed. Come let's warm this house. House warming party.
"oh my, oh my, oh my..."
No. That isn't what I want her to say. That is how I want her face to look like. Oh my, oh my, oh my, should be written all over her face. I want to see that sparkle, nothing beats a girls sparkle. It's the essence of every man, to make a girl's face read oh my, oh my, oh my.
