It is like a bad disease,
It's like I love that tragedy,
Not just any tragedy,
That particular one,
It's like I wait for it,
Like you wait for an important phone call,
Or like you wait for results,
I waited for it,
And the moment it came,
I took it,
"I told you so"
I said to myself,
And it's like I felt some form of pain,
That was almost joyous,
It's like I crave to destroy,
I just waited for her,
To make one wrong move,
And when she did I hurt,
Then I feel like I want her to apologize,
For the filthy things she did,
I feel like I want her to hurt,
But not really cause I like her,
I feel like I want her to regret,
For doing what she did,
I guess that's where the real wound is,
I have never felt good enough,
For myself,
And she has gotten that monster out of me,
Probably it's how overwhelming that emotion is,
I hate my heart sometimes,
But I wonder,
Is it it that is the way it is,
Or is it the worlds and my experiences,
That has beat it until it is the shape it is,
Instead of a shape of a heart,
It's the shape of a kidney,
And like a kidney,
It always seems to anticipate the bad,
The bitterness of feeling back-stubbed,
The anger of being left out,
The sorrow of having to live with such memories,
I feel greatly wounded,
Like a beast has been let out of me,
To eat me up with pain,
And the worst part of it is that I almost enjoy the pain.
It feels like home,
But maybe that is too cruel to say,
Perhaps I am being too hard and cruel on myself,
Maybe the pain the world has given me,
Was too intense it left a permanent mark,
So that if my heart had a door,
It's door lable would read,
'Pains Head Office'
In red like blood and danger,
With a little calligraphy,
Like a bad joke,
But it doesn't feel good this pain,
It is intense I may enjoy it,
But it numbs me,
It numbs my sleep,
It numbs my sense of touch,
My sense of smell,
Its like I am in a trance,
I can't notice the things around me,
I see them but I cant see them,
My thoughts are jumbled up,
I feel speech less,
I don't even know how to cry,
Why would you let me have this pain?
It makes everything we had feel foolish,
I feel I am opened up to much,
And a little pathetic,
That's why I will stop to write,
Before I mess us completely,
More than you have messed me,
If I open up more,
You might not like what you see inside,
I am a horrible ugly creature inside,
Beaten up by life,
But outside I have been handed everything I want,
So now I close my heart,
Cause the monster that was out feels like it's headed back in me,
At least it will not eat me up again,
I feel at peace a bit,
Imagine feeling at peace with a monster in you?
And that feels nicer than letting it eat me from outside,
I really don't want anyone to see my inside,
It's going to spoil the outside I live to the world to see,
I can't loose that too,
But don't open me up,
You will not like what you see,
You have cared for me,
But now you have joined the list,
Of everyone who has disfigured my inside,
You are part of the list,
But don't worry,
I am too stupid,
My love is to blind,
But mostly stupid,
Because it can see,
But it ignores,
And now I feel a punch inside,
As the reality of things hit me,
You are not so different after all,
I am not so different after all,
We are a lost cause,
Us and this idea love,
Who will mold my heart back,
Who will I trust to mold my heart back,
When all the ones I let,
Make it even more shapeless?
