I was there cause I feared hell,
I fear hell more than everything you fear,
Everything the whole world fears,
Combined together,
I was in church yes,
But where my mind was drifting too...
I started to look around,
And hate the place,
People were donating money,
Loudly,
And something about it felt unclean,
It wasn't offering,
But that didn't make it any different,
But then I thought who cares,
The pastors maybe too worried about the needy,
He doesn't care how he gets people to donate,
Provided people had food on their table,
He was happy,
That might be true,
Or not true,
Either way those were thoughts too heavy,
And I sat there,
I knew I was no better,
In fact I was staring at a girl,
She was sitted in front of me,
A few benches ahead,
You are in church...
And I stood up like everyone did,
And the hymns books were flipped,
I started to sing,
Mindlessly,
I wanted to be in the music,
Sing the words let them pass through my head,
Let them pass through my mind,
And my heart and soul,
As I sang them,
But after two or three lines,
It would wonder,
And I would start to notice,
That everyone was in blue, black, grey,
And then I would start to think of the cars parked outside,
And it didn't feel like church,
People would change,
One after another on the pulpit,
The procedure is so elaborate and proper,
And then my mind would wonder to a foreign town I visited,
I remember one time I walked into a foreign church,
Where I wasn't known and worse still,
I was wearing someone else's clothes,
And I didn't get a seat,
The ushers didn't get me a seat,
And when I wear my clothes,
Then they would get me a seat,
And I hated it,
"they are not perfect people"
"we are not perfect people"
"just go there get what you want"
"it's you and God not so much you and them"
And even after that phone call,
Promising myself I wouldn't walk into such a place again,
I still found myself walking into another,
I guess old habits die hard,
And the preacher would start to mention things,
That I do,
And I would want to stop doing them,
But then I imagine how boring life would be,
I hear him mention things I do,
And on the pulpit he would make them sound so evil,
Not like the seemed normally,
Then I would look at him,
He would have my total attention when he said those things,
I feel like I want to stop doing them,
But I feel like if I stop doing them,
I would lose part of me,
And when things got too hard,
My mind goes away...
To years far in the future,
And I would imagine myself in a church as similar,
As old as colonialism,
But different in that it is in some other town,
the structure would be still as beautiful,
And is surrounded by tall old trees,
But this time I would have my Mercedes benz outside,
And it would be very old like a writers should be,
I would love it old because then it will be the only one,
And no one else can rush to the shop and buy one,
It would not be as well maintained cause,
I wouldn't have time to care much about it,
With my girl friend and my quest for adventure,
And traveling around the world,
And my quest to become generous and obscenely kind,
To another human cause she is just a human being,
And I would be in a black peacoat,
And the girl seated next to me will be in a blue one,
Dark navy blue peak coat that is,
And it would be so cold,
And she will be in brown leather boots,
And I would be in leather gloves that match those,
And we would not be married still,
But I would be worried and embarrassed when the pastor,
At the pulpit starts to talk about those things I do,
Those things we do,
And I would be worried that my girlfriend,
The girl who always seats next to me in church and everyone knows,
Will stop doing those things to me,
And I would wonder where we would go to,
After church together...
Then my mind will come back,
And I will say a short prayer in apology,
For my wondering heart,
For my wondering mind,
"and one day the police men stopped me"
"they wanted a bribe"
"and i told them I am a Christian"
"and they told me those are the best"
" they bribe fast and move on"
And everyone would laugh,
And then I would start anaylsisng the whole situation,
Did he borrow that joke from some other persons summon?
Did he prepare for it?
Or did it come naturally?
And then I would wonder if anyone saw me as Christian,
And wonder whether I am spoiling the name...
Then I would remind myself,
Stop having my mind wonder,
And soon we would all be standing,
And the hymn books would open again,
The closing hymn,
And quickly in my head I would try to summarize all I learnt that day,
In church,
And I would promise myself to pray more often,
Cause with God,
It's more of a relationship,
He talks to me,
I talk to him,
Then I try to do what he says,
But I promise myself,
Even if I become as purposeless as bipolar can make one,
I will always push myself to try to do what He wants,
And when I cant,
I will tell Him I have been trying,
He looks at my heart,
And if He doesn't,
He can read this post,
I am trying,
I want heaven.
You can move a mountain,
Open doors to Heaven,
It should be easier than moving a mountain,
But I am sure to you they are both easy,
I am already addicted to the comfort of this world,
I would love a comfortable forever,
Besides we are friends,
And friends should be close,
That's why I am in church,
Regardless of what everyone says about it,
I want to be close to you,
The way you taylored this religion,
Is that I don't have to be perfect,
But I am trying to be,
And being close to perfect is closer to perfection than not attempting,
I am here in church seated trying to get close to you,
And you know we are friends,
So make sure I am in heaven,
Cause it's easier to be friends with you in Heaven,
Than the other place with fire!
And I would walk out of church,
A struggling Christian,
But I took a step close to God,
I am better than them,
Than those who stayed at home and watched Telly church,
I would think,
And say a short prayer,
Apologizing for thinking that I am better than the rest,
Then I would think I am better than the rest for thinking,
That I am better than the rest for thinking,
I am not better than the rest,
Then the circle will begin again,
And I would conclude I am struggling,
And I will struggle to the end,
"they are not perfect people"
"we are not perfect people"
"just go there get what you want"
Cause it's easier to be friends with You in Heaven,
Than the other place with fire!
