I picked up the phone,
But I really did not want to pick it up,
I wanted to think,
I wanted to worry,
I am not solving my problem,
Just thinking about it,
Reassuring myself I have a problem,
Asking myself what is the meaning of all this?
Why am I even writing?
What am I saying?
Who is listening?
How many people are listening?
To what I say?
How can I make more people listen?
Why am I thinking about the people who are listening?
Should I be selfish?
And write the things I write down for me?
And my heart sinks at these thoughts,
And as my heart drowns dead at these thoughts,
The truth comes out,
I take out the words from my chest,
And pour them out in these words,
And all of a sudden I feel at peace,
Even if no one listens,
Even if no one gets me,
My own words get me,
I understand myself better,
I feel better,
When I pour out words,
It is my addiction,
And when I go through withdrawal,
My fingers tremble,
My cravings feel like they are born a fresh,
They are so strong I can almost see them,
I can hear my insides scream and whisper,
"just write, just write a few words you will be all right..."
And sometimes I reach out to that temptation,
And touch the letters on this touch screen,
And pour my cravings away,
I feel sick until I write something,
Sometimes when I feel sick I write,
Sometimes when I feel sick and write,
I feel like I am not healed by my writing,
I try to express myself more and more,
Until I feel better,
But you know sometimes medicine does not work,
But most times it always cools us down,
I feel cooled down when I write,
Sometimes I feel the sickness of not writing escaped,
I am on a path I can't turn away from,
It is sort of a blessing and a curse all at once,
A blessing cause it feels my spirit with such life,
A curse cause I am not in control of what I feel,
And to think that my happiness,
To think that my joy is controlled by mere words,
The reading of them and the producing of them,
Feels like a curse,
Oh how I wish I was in control of how I feel,
I have never been even from the start,
And like getting more makes you greedy,
As the people I talk to turn into huge masses,
My pride climbs a mountain,
And so does my fear,
And it is heading to the peak,
I feel my heart is eaten up by the words I speak.
So that no piece of it is left for anything else,
And slowly my mood is determined by the words I speak,
My life is turning into my writing,
I have a life to live I try to remind myself,
At this rate I feel like I am almost turning nuts,
Bargaining my life for risk,
I feel like traveling to unstable places,
And searching my heart for darker things,
Searching my pleasure nerves for pleasurable things,
So that I can feel this paper with words different,
I might be paying to much attention to my heart,
And the sensibility of my mind is becoming less confident,
And that is how madness starts,
Yes passion can drive,
Now I believe,
If I listen to those I speak to too much,
I will get lost,
I got to remind myself,
To go back to the genesis of all these,
I am here firstly for me,
To keep me sane,
To remind myself of myself,
To remind myself of beautiful moments passed,
Sad moments passed,
To freeze my ideas and thoughts,
So that one day I can pick them up,
I like to believe that I can put my writing on a schedule,
Force it to fit in a timetable,
Say that at this time and this date I will write about this,
But I never learn that will never work,
It's like I am just a medium of what is big in me,
I think it is my heart that is big in me,
Oh what a genius it is,
When it wants words out,
It must get them out,
Otherwise,
It will torture me with such sadness,
And depression,
And the only way I will get healed,
Is by the medicine of writing,
I am a slave to my heart,
I am a slave to this pen,
I am just obeying what it says,
And when I rebel it it still wins,
For in the end to me it's just following my heart,
I have a toDo list to fight it with,
Otherwise my life will be out of control,
So when my heart cries,
I let it cry,
When it laughs,
I let it laugh,
When it wants to write I give it a pen,
Cause it writes better than my mind,
But I still remember,
If I let it out of control too much,
Like a lion left out of a cage,
It will go destroying everything around,
Everything I am trying to build,
It might even destroy myself,
I don't want to be too much a slave to it,
I leave my phone ringing,
Cause I am worrying about what it wants,
I will not find myself sleeping under a tent in a jungle,
Looking and searching for adventure to fill my heart,
Or will I?
Even if I do,
I must remember my toDo list,
Cause my toDo list is my mind's cage for my heart,
Unless my heart is too strong for a moment and breaks that cage,
And finds itself satisfying it's craving of pain and laughter.
At the end of my words I understand myself better,
It's like a happy ending always even though it is a sad one,
Not at all times do I understand myself but most times I do,
And now I understand that it's a battle of my heart and mind,
My mind wants a schedule to write,
But my heart is spontaneous,
My mind is sensible and swears on the notion 'that survival for the fittest',
And my heart screams 'life lived without passion is dead,'
My heart wants risks and adventure,
Or else it will torture me with depression,
My mind knows if I just think with my heart I will be dead,
I will let my heart win most times,
For it is stubborn and way brighter than my mind,
And besides the happiness it gives me is,
greater than my mind will ever give me,
But I want to be alive,
So I must let my mind win at times,
I love my heart,
It's as intelligent as pregnancy,
And it gives birth to the greatest and newest of words,
I cannot stop writing,
Whether you listen or do not,
I am on a path I can't turn back from,
And I am not turning back,
I am just trying to tame my ways a bit,
But not tame it to much,
Be still my wondering heart,
I will let you lose when you really crave to be out too much,
Cause then I know you have something so genius that can't wait,
Or let you lose when I want you lose,
Just to spoil myself and you a little,
Either way you win,
Be still my explosive heart,
With this words,
And my toDo list,
I tame you.
